So of course I am up on this Friday night, early Saturday morning. Watching some China movie with the latest guilty pleasure obsession I have. I do not fancy Hollywood Big Blockbusters with so and so, I prefer my Hongkong and now China (gasp!) fluffy no meaning movies because emotions do not churn that much when watching them. Or so mostly they do not.

Of course when faced with school girl daydreams and living in an alternate dimension where obsessive thoughts about certain brooding men only found on celluloid, it seems like a perfect escape to run into. After all, it has been a long time since watching handsome people stirred stalker-ish emotions in me.

What would I do without work? I think too much. I sit in the car on holiday and I get upset because the people are living a life that I feel so sorry for but cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I am ashamed of living in my own country and life and for the things that I have. And yet, I just choose to run around in circles with any distraction that will keep me from thinking.

It is late at night and I am full of silly emotions. Emotions stirred from watching plain ridiculous Chinese movies (that I only watched halfway on You Tube, I swear You Tube has never been so useful). I crave for romance, head spinning, dizzying romance. Am I greedy like you said? Perhaps I am. Perhaps I have lived such a life that I only can identify with movies and dances in the rain, people bawling their eyes out (when was the last time I bawl my eyes out?) and going to sleep with fright and my heart thumping. Not just movies about so called love or lust, but films about madness and dysfunctionality.

Now I go to sleep thinking about death. And dreaming about death. Perhaps having a new mad teeny bopper crush on some China actor is much better and healthier than thinking about the world? The world’s economy, the wars going on, all the suicide bombings (damn that BBC), the ancient and imperial China history. Why the hell do I think so much? I do not even read anything substantial anymore. Anything to avoid having to think.

Why do I think so far and so much and so ridiculous and so out of this world? I just think, I do not do anything. Perhaps that why I go slightly off kilter, because I just sit here and think and not do anything to benefit anyone else or anything else. I am not a Saint. I just delve too much. Work is good, work distracts me from thinking about anything and it drains me until I only have the time and energy to bother about the superficial and devote my free time to what can be classified as ordinary normal life.