It happened today. A Panic Attack. If it was a Panic Attack for work, then it would not be worth blogging but it was a panic attack that came from listening to songs. A duet between Boscolie, my favourite TVB couple pairing. A silly theme song from a silly drama serial and still it caught me unprepared.

Why was I seated in the bee hive? I had to be out there. Not in that unergonomic chair. How about my life? How about the real me? I was a flippant girl. I wanted to meet all those boys that were pleasing to the eye and made me laugh and had interests and hobbies that interested me. The dresses that I could wear, the various choices of booties that could lie in front of my eyes. The music plays and I regret putting on my earphones and turning up the volume. The things I could do with my life. What about them? To trot on the road on a weekday in the sun. Where vomit of colours are welcomed and not accepted just because I am slightly different. To be able to speak one’s mind. I could smile because I am happy and you are nice. I could be someone else and myself. Where is Awful now? I miss her. I want her to come back. Or do I? If she comes back, everything will be screwed up. Or rather life will be screwed up. Like an eruption. I could dance in the middle of the night in sky high shoes to the music. Long time ago I would and I could. To gamble to throw everything away, the life I have so painstakingly build to be ordinary and normal. To be safe.