Chinese New Year is here again.

The year before last, Chinese New Year signalled the beginning of trouble and some personal hell. It was to be one of the happiest year of my life. The semester before I had my twenty first birthday and was living with my closest friends in hall. For once I felt loved and accepted by my friends and that I belonged. I thought I had grown up and had done good. I was coping alright with school, played abit of tennis and was trying my best to adjust to not seeing Alvin every day and him not always being there for me.

I was wrong about so many things. I was lucky I had my friends with me. That must have been the luckiest thing that happened to me in my life.

Last Chinese New Year, Butthead died. I still remember leaving him in hall and giving him his own feast before I went home for reunion dinner. I cried so bitterly when he died. I have to admit. I really loved him so much more than Speedy. All the times I rushed back to hall just to feed him and have him rush up to my hand. All the time I studied on my bed and put my hand in his box so he could just run up and down and up again. He was my constant companion. It was then, all my friends had moved out of hall or were not near me and I was virtually alone.

It was the beginning of the end. A painful and long drawn conclusion that I should have ended the year before. I only have myself to blame.

Lorrie told me once that in the future, when I look back, I would regret it if I threw everything away. Everything that I saved and was supposed to represent a facade or something I thought was true. So I just put them all away and kept them in a shelf high up.

But no, Lorrie dear, you are wrong. I need to purge myself of everything. So I already have thrown away that polka dot box that he gave me for my 19th birthday which I filled with all the cards, letters and postcards that he gave me which ironically or luckily, barely filled the box. And I am going to delete, that folder of pictures on my computer that I moved to Ahmu’s folder. I have to press that delete button. I am failing, though perhaps it can be said I try too hard.

The only way I can move forward is to lose the past, the excess baggage. I miss Butthead so. It was my neligence that resulted in his death.

Selective memory erasure. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind.

One of my resolutions this year, maybe I will post the list of resolutions which are currently lying in my head, is to have a life and mix more with people.

People know that I am anti-people, of course no one believes that I am shy with people I do not think are idiots (I happen to think everyone are idiots but hey idiots are lovable and I am idiotic).

Yesterday, there was a company screening of The Family Stone and I did not click the button on the e-mail they sent out. However, the very lovable senior Rahs managed to secure a ticket for me from someone else who did not want to go so off I was, trying desperately to find people to sit with. At 5, I was out of the door, running for the bus alongside, Jac, Wen and Swet (sounds familiar Missy Teo?) to Suntec. The run paid off for we were first in the theatre having first dibs on seats and I ended up sharing a lovers’ seat with Wen (very cosy).

The movie. What can I say about the movie? I know plenty of people like it. I did not like it. At all. Made me sick to the stomach. I think I sat very still because I did not want to disturb Wen. Though the lovers’ seat are tres comfortable and perfect for nua-ing. I had to prop my feet up, it was too tempting. No wonder people pay good money to sit there.

Popcorn was dinner, my favourite kind of dinner. Been a long long time since I ate like that. Sometimes I really truly wonder where the old me had gone, is the now me new and improved, or just very very sad and a fool.

The girls wanted to go to Bala and I joined them. It was fully filled at 8, full of posers and sharks (as Terence puts it). It was one of those girls night out drinks thing which I enjoyed though I never really talk much because I never know what to say. There was a tad bit excitement when we were there.

There is a company party tomorrow somewhere, I have no idea where it is.

My partying spirit has been dampered by that ghost. I keep on looking behind my shoulder, afraid he is just standing there in the distance, in smoky places. I know I said in xanga that I would not talk about him anymore. Just when I was managing fine, his insensitiveness highness pops up. ‘Do not think about it.’ ‘Do not think about him.’ Whispers of these run around my head, from my friends and everyone else. I walk around in public, tentative and so afraid that in every nook and cranny he would be there and I would be caught un awared, and tethering. My heart is filled with regret for ever even having taken the first look at him. People say with time every thing will heal, but how long before I will not being restless again? The nights which I fall asleep with much difficulty and hollowness have returned with a vengence. Tossing and turning beneath the covers again. I was reading Allure last night and one of the articles was on the best revenge is to be beautiful. I think I look fine. I think I can look terrific. But will it really work? I could be the most beautiful girl on earth and if I ever had an encounter with him, he would make me feel like crap. He always had the upper hand. It should not matter but it does. I cannot get back all the time wasted but I can block them as though I spent those years in a coma. People ask me why should it matter, why should he matter? He does not matter. If he is dead, he will not matter. Do not haunt me. You have polluted my soul, please go away and do not corrupt me anymore, I do not want you to touch me in any way, be it by accident or on purpose.